All That News Jazz

Sotomayor dances around 'West Side Story' issue on first day of confirmation hearings

2009-07-13T16:44:00.008-05:00

Although it couldn't be described as a rumble, the first day of Senate hearings on the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor as a justice of the Supreme Court certainly had the tension of a war council meeting between the Jets and the Sharks. As expected, the unofficial 'litmus test' issue, West Side Story took center stage and dominated the initial session.

Sotomayor, who would be the first justice of Puerto Rican descent, has been the eye wall of a judicial hurricane since nominated by President Obama in May because of her now famous comments regarding the Tony Award winning musical and Academy Award winning movie. Sotomayor, if confirmed, would replace retiring justice David Souter on the nation's highest court. She is seen as the potential swing vote that could move the court from its deadlock on the West Side Story issue.

In a 2003 speech to the Puerto Rican Institute for Critical Knowledge Society (PRICKS), Sotomayor told the group: "I would hope that a Latina woman, even if portrayed by a gringa, with the richness of her experience would, more often than not, reach a better decision than to pick a white man." She was referring to the main plot of the movie, in which Maria (played by the late Natalie Wood) shunned a fellow Puerto Rican, Chino, after falling in love with Tony, an Italian-American and member of the rival gang, the Jets. This angered Maria's brother Bernardo, who was the leader of the Sharks gang, which led to the tragic ending to the movie. This comment has caused many to call for her to withdraw her name from consideration. Some have even labeled her a racist.

West Side Story has become the 'litmus test' issue for court nominees because of the controversy that has ensnarled it in the aftermath of 9/11. In 2002, the state of Massachusetts shocked the nation by barring the production of presentation of West Side Story by any organization and prohibited the showing of the movie in any public forum. According to state law in Massachusetts, West Side Story violates the equal protection clause fo the 14th amendment because of its portrayal of young, ethnic males as violent gang memebers. The law is percieved as an appeasement to Muslim terrorists, hoping their next strike on American soil will be somewhere other than the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Two cases have made their way to the Supreme Court, challenging the constitutionality of the law. The law continues to be in limbo because the court has been unable to render a decision in both cases. In both Andrews v. Massachusetts and Singh v. Jay, the court split 4-4. Justice Clarence Thomas has recused himself from West Side Story Cases because he once played A-Rab, a member of the Jets gang, in a college production.

Justice Clarence Thomas (top)
and David Winters as 'A-Rab'

Since Sotomayor's nomination, speculation about how she would vote on the next West Side Story case has been rampant. Her now famous comment have some believe she would be the crucial fifth vote to sustain the Massachusetts law.

She has adamantly denied that she has already made up her mind about West Side Story. Patrick Leahy, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee asked Sotomayor directly is she has any prejudice regarding this hot-button issue. She answered: "The comments concerning my disappointment regarding Maria's choice of Tony over Chino will not cloud my application of the law, should a case come before the Supreme Court. I will decide every case on its merits, not based on the fact that some guera pretending to be a Puerto Rican chose some guinea over one of her own."

Senator Amy Klobuchar
grills Sonia Sotomayor
during Tuesday's
confirmation hearings.

This response did not please committee member Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), who once played the part of Maria in her high school's production of the musical. A heated exchange ensued.

Senator Klobuchar: Justice Sotomayor, I once played Maria, and I can tell you first-hand that she was deeply in love with Tony. It was the hot-blooded Nardo who tried to arrange her to be with Chino.

Sotomayor: Hot-blooded? Is that the way you people see all Latinos?

Senator Klobuchar: You know what I mean. You saw the movie. Even Anita accused Nardo of being hot-blooded, and she's a real Puerto Rican. And what do you mean "you people"?

Sotomayor: But what was wrong with Chino?

Senator Klobuchar: Nothing was wrong with Chino. Maria was just trying to express herself as a modern woman, a real feminist, if you will, and was bucking the outdated traditions Nardo was so desperately holding on to and trying to force upon his sister.

Sotomayor: So what is wrong with Puerto Rican traditions?

Senator Klobuchar: Nothing is wrong with tradition, as long as it doesn't interfere with someones right to choose. Look, I think Nardo meant well and just wnted to protect his little sister, but he was obviously having trouble adjusting to life in America. Don't you remember in the song when he sings: 'Everywhere grime in America/Organized crime in America/Terrible time in America'? Anita was trying to get Nardo to realize that life is all right in America.

Sotomayor: If you're all white in America.

Senator Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Sotomayor: Nothing, Madam Senator. But what did this 'true love' thing get Maria? I'll tell you what it got her, it got her Nardo dead and got her dear sweet Tony dead. There. That's what your 'true love' gets you.

Senator Klobuchar: Sounds like you could use a little 'Tony' in your life.

Sotomayor: (inaudible) puta.

At this point Chairman Leahy called for order and questioning turned to a less controversial issue: abortion.

Confirmation hearings will continue tomorrow.

Ehhhhhh! Henry Winkler convicted in 'Fonzie scheme'

2009-06-30T15:10:00.008-05:00

Henry Winkler, who played the iconic 1970's character Arthur Fonzarelli in the Happy Days TV sitcom, was convicted Monday of swindling millions of dollars from gullible losers in what became known as a 'Fonzie scheme.' The 63-year old actor, director, producer, and author will be sentenced on July 19. He could face up to 25 years in prison.

Winkler was convicted of swindling money from over 400 adult men, whom, according to trial transcripts "he would promise he could make as 'cool' as his Happy Days character." The ploy started in early 2001, when Winkler, whose career had fallen upon hard times, was near bankruptcy. Under his ruse, Winkler would charge his clients up to $50,000 for personal 'Fonzie' lessons with promises that they could strike fear into men with a single look, have a woman on each arm at the snap of a finger, and start a jukebox with merely a well-placed rap on the glass.

The fee included the signature Fonzie outfit: a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans and a 'D-A' haircut. Winkler would teach them variations of the 'thumbs up' and would lead them in extensive practice on saying "Ehhhhh!" Winkler would also provide a VHS tape entitled Fonzie's Greatest Hits, which was described as "the best bits of The Fonz being The Fonz."

Prosecutor Wendel Ladner convinced the jury that Winkler preyed upon the weaknesses of the victims, who were all ages and ethnic backgrounds, making them believe they could do things that most of them could "only dream of doing." The star witness for the prosecution was Al Gore, who was one of the defendant's first clients. Gore paid $50,000 to Winkler shortly after George W. Bush was declared President in December, 2000.

"Right then, I was clearly at the lowest point in my life," admitted the former Vice President under oath. "I needed a jump start. I ran into (comedian) Bill Maher at a Queen cover concert in Vail. He was wearing the whole Fonzie outfit- without a woman on either arm, I might add. He turned me on to Winkler. I paid the money, got the lessons, but I've never had any success with women, unless you count Tipper, or even jukeboxes for that matter- although I am pretty good at the thumbs up. And the only men I've struck any fear into are the ones who buy my whole global warming thing. I guess that's my inconvenient truth."

The prosecution also provided testimony from the men pictured below: (L-R) Todd Meeleemouth of Toledo, Ohio; Walter "Spats" Li Ying of San Jose, California; and Ernie Solheim of Bowdle, South Dakota.

The jury deliberated less than 10 minutes before returning with the verdict.

In a related manner, the trial of fellow Happy Days alum Anson Williams continues. Williams is accused of bilking millions of dollars in a similar 'Potsie scheme.'

Woodland's loss to Tiger a dream come true

2009-06-22T10:02:00.006-05:00

Gary Woodland may be a 25-year old PGA tour rookie, but he has already fulfilled his childhood dream. He has lost in a playoff to Tiger Woods in the United States Open. Woods defeated Woodland by a single shot Monday afternoon when Tiger drained a 30-foot birdie putt on the 18th hole at Beth Page Black.

"Yeah, it was pretty amazing," said a beaming Woodland. "Every golfer growing up dreams of losing a playoff to Tiger in the Open, but for it to happen to me in my rookie season. It's...it's...very hard to put the experience into words. I don't think it's really sunk in yet."

Woodland joins Rocco Mediate as the second player in as many years to lose to Tiger in a U.S. Open playoff. "I watched it on TV last year when Rocco lost at Torrey Pines, and I can remember sitting there in my living room thinking how awesome it would be to someday experience that. I really believe it helped me focus on getting my tour card."

The Berryton, Kansas native recalls fantasizing this moment as a youngster. "I can remember as a kid being on the putting green at Lake Shawnee Golf Course for hours on end. I used to stand on the edge of the green, leaning on my putter with my head down, pretending Tiger was rolling in a 25-footer to beat me in the Open. I worked very hard on all the motions: keeping my head down as if I was afraid to look, then, after the roar of the crowd, looking up shaking my head with a big grin while taking my hat off and extending my right hand to Tiger. Sometimes I would lean on my putter with my left hand, and sometimes my right. I even had a move where I just stood there with my arms crossed, looking down."

But this magical moment almost didn't happen.

A birdie at the ninth hole gave Woodland a 3-shot lead. "I have to admit I was pretty anxious at the turn, and it felt like the wheels were starting to come off. I was beginning to think it wasn't meant to be. But I was able to gather my nerves and Brent (caddy Brent Everson) took me aside and reminded me of what we all know to be true: on any given day, none of us on tour has the guts to beat Tiger head-to-head."

Woodland's double-bogey at number 12 after a poor tee shot and a 3-putt cut his lead to one stroke and put him a position to lose. "The 12th hole was huge. It really gave me the confidence I needed to right the ship." A tap-in birdie by Woods at the 16th hole knotted the match and set the stage for the overdramatic, predictable finish.

"When Tiger's approach on 18 checked up short, a surrealistic calm overcame me and my golf instincts took over. After I left my birdie putt short, I immediately went to that spot on the fringe like I had done thousands of times as a kid. I went right to the left-handed lean on my putter. It may sound funny, but it was actually very easy, natural. When I heard the roar and saw the famous Tiger fist pump, I realized that all those hundreds of hours practicing losing had really paid off."

What about the future? "There's no question that this is going to set me up financially for a long time. Just look what losing to Tiger did for Rocco."

Woodland will hit the talk-show circuit before he begins collaboration on a book with the world's greatest golf writer, Rick Reilly. He will also join Mediate, Chris DiMarco, Bob May and several others on the Golf Channel's reality show, Soar Losers. The series chronicles the mercurial fame that has come to those who have lost in a playoff to the world's number one golfer.

Perhaps Tiger, himself, put Woodland's accomplishment in proper perspective. "I think what's-his-name provided me great theatre and it's something he can remember the rest of his life. And no matter what happens no one can ever take this loss away from him."

Gilligan's Island to take 5 Gitmo prisoners

2009-06-15T11:03:00.006-05:00

President Obama, who continues to be vehemently unwavering from his self-induced commitment to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay by next January , has found a home for five of the detainees. After his morning basketball game, in which Obama had 13 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists, the President told reporters: "Gilligan, the Skipper too, a millionaire and his wife, the movie star, The Professor and Mary Ann have agreed to welcome five Gitmo detainees to their island."

A White House spokesman verified that the prisoners are members of an al-Qaeda splinter group known as al-Abbas Saeed (the Wheezing Jihadists). They are the surviving members of the only known asthmatic terrorist group and not considered highly dangerous. The terrorists surrendered outside the northern city of Mosul voluntarily in the early days of Operation Iraqi Freedom after they ran out of medication in their inhalers. Obama admitted that these prisoners might be difficult to relocate because countries with socialized medicine refused to take them due to their pre-existing medical condition. Gilligan's Island does not have government-run health care.

Obama credited a bi-partisan effort to make the move happen. "I want to thank Ron Paul for his tireless effort to make this happen." Congressman Paul, a Republican from Texas and former presidential candidate, approached the President with the relocation idea and served as liaison between the castaways and the administration. Paul is the president of the Gilligan International Fan Club, and dresses as the lovable hack every Halloween. Last New Year's Eve in Las Vegas, Paul won the Mr. World Gilligan Impersonator competition. The congressman is also affectionately referred to as 'Little Buddy,' which is Gilligan's nickname, by his counterparts in Washington.

The White House also confirmed that they are paying the stranded seven $1.2 billion to house their new island mates. This in particular pleased The Professor. "With that kind of money maybe we can fix the damn boat and get the hell off this island. I'm tired of making everything from golf clubs to food processors out of coconut shells, hollow reeds, and palm fronds." The group has been marooned for nearly 45 years after they lost their way at the hands of a violent storm while on a 3-hour boat tour.

Gilligan himself is cautiously optimistic about their new guests. "I'm not so sure, but if The Professor says it's OK, then I guess it's OK. Besides, maybe the Skipper will start hitting someone else over the head with his cap."

Muhammad "Scooter" al-Jamir, one of the Wheezers, as they have become known, is ecstatic. "We watch re-runs on satellite dish every day. Ginger- hubbba hubba! Do you think Mary Ann is still virgin?"

This leaves 213 detainees left at Gitmo. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed a report by E! television network that the administration is in negotiations with Mr. Roarke and Tattoo to have at least four detainees moved to Fantasy Island.

Buffet's deathbed confession shocks 'Parrotheads'

2009-06-10T18:20:00.003-05:00

Jimmy Buffet, who died last week form the swine flu while touring in Cancun, Mexico, made a startling confession just before he expired: he never wasted away a single day in Margaritaville. Buffet, who turned 62 last Christmas, parlayed his three-and-a-half minute signature song, Margaritaville, into a multi-million dollar fortune. The song describes a man who has been jilted by his lover and is drowning his sorrows in the mostly feminine, tequila-based drink. Buffet gained a loyal following, known as Parrotheads, who enjoyed the 'island lifestyle' music performed by Buffet and his Coral Reefer Band.

The admission was made through his long-time publicist, Stevie Longwell. "He'd wanted to come clean for a long time. But with the money he was making, I knew it was never going to happen. And I'll tell you something else; Jimmy never had that tattoo, either. Yeah, made that up, too."

"Of course I knew about it, I was there when it happened, " admitted Rufus Sutton, who was Buffet's guitar player when Margaritaville was written and recorded. "The truth is, he didn't even come up with the word margaritaville. He tried beerville, whiskeyville, and even moonshineville when he was writing the lyrics, but those didn't fit. Jimmy needed five syllables to make the line work. He went with gin-and tonicville, even vodka-sourville, but we all told, him those sucked. Now, and this is a little-known fact, the original recording was Marijuanaville, I still have a demo tape of it at home if you ever want to hear it, but that was back in the '70's and you wouldn't get a song with that title on the radio. So Stu (bass player Stu Bakin) was actually the one who came up with margarita, and bingo, Jimmy's a millionaire."

No matter how many of Buffet's faithful blindly followed, not everyone was bamboozled by the booze ruse. Donnie Sellars, a former Parrothead from Key West, Florida, wasn't fooled. "I turned my beak in three years ago after the cheeseburger episode," noted Sellars from his backyard hammock. "I mean, should this margarita thing surprise me? Are you kidding? We're talking about a guy who owned the Cheeseburger in Paradise restaurants, but hadn't eaten any dairy since puberty. Friggin' phony." Sellars was referring to the unconfirmed rumors that Buffet had been lactose intolerant since his youth, despite the fact that he owned the trendy restaurant chain which was also named after one of his popular songs.

Alan Jackson, the country singer who teamed up with Buffet with the award winning song It's Five O'clock Somewhere, wasn't surprised by the confession. "What kinda pussy drinks a margarita, anyway? You gonna tell me that you're gonna forget about a woman by drinkin' a woman's drink? Don't make no sense to me. Jimmy was a real man, and no real man would be caught dead drinkin' a girls' drink. I never understood how he got away with singin' that for so many years, but you can't argue with success."

Mahmoud Muhammad al-Segundo, president of the Ocean City (Md.) Parrot Head Club, released this statement: "Although the members of the OCPHC are shocked by this revelation, we will continue to be loyal Parrotheads. The actual lyrics of Margaritaville, though simple and eminently singable, aren't what makes the song. It's the message: no matter what troubles we face in our daily lives, we can overcome them through the persistent and uncompromising consumption of alcohol."

The REAL reason to hate Wal-Mart

2009-06-10T15:32:00.009-05:00

The liberal Wal-Mart haters are right, but for the wrong reason. I don't care if management treats their employees like subhumans (because, if you've ever been to Wal-Mart, it's sometimes justified) and don't pay them a "living wage" (is that different from a "dying wage," and if so, how?), or give them good benefits, blah, blah, blah. I don't care if the number of plastic Wal-Mart bags dumped on our planet exceeds an Obamaesque federal deficit. And I don't care if they've run every Mom and Pop operation out of all the Mayberry's in these United States (by the way, what if Mom ran off with the mailman and joined a white supremacist group in Idaho? Would it be just a Pop operation? That doesn't sound quite right.)

No, no, no. The REAL reason to hate Wal-Mart has to do with physics; Sir Isaac Newton in particular. Had Newton shopped at Wal-Mart his first law of motion would have been: a body at rest stays at rest, especially when a customer approaches, and a body in motion stays in motion, unless it is writing a check.

I recently had the opportunity to put that hypothesis to the test.

First, there's Customer. An elderly lady (of course) with a death grip on a Fistful of Coupons, ready to gun down any spaghetti cowboy who would dare separate her from that precious penny-pinching paper product.

A geriatric consumer version of this guy.

But, as what happens in nature from time to time, this Customer has MUTATED. She has morphed into a coupon-cutting, check-writing, strawberry-analyzing, deli counter-hogging ("I want three packages of Swiss cheese, EXACTLY one-half pound each, and not one slice more, young lady!"), parking lot-clogging, reusable bag-toting ENVIRONMENTALIST! She's one of "those" who buys "those" canvas totes (which, by the way, are manufactured in China by some company that's spewing their sewage unregulated into the air and water creating more environmental havoc than all the bird and dolphin choking plastic bags you could ever discard) and actually takes them back to the store.....to use them again!

Are you kidding me? I didn't know you could actually do that! I thought people bought them out of guilt or to support some cause- like "Save the Cutworms" or something. Then they take them home and throw them into a corner. Ok, Ok, Ok, so supermarkets everywhere are full of these "Customers." What makes Wal-Mart "special"?

You're about to find out.

As they say, it takes two to make a law of physics.

What completes the check-out morass is Cashier, who hasn't the foggiest idea of what to do with the reusable bags. Cashier gives Customer a "What am I supposed to do with these?" gaze until Cashier flashes a look of horror because he has just figured out that he has to put HER items in THOSE bags!

You see and sense the fear. Cashier dabs his sweaty forehead with his Wal-Mart blue vest. Cashier flashes a facial expression like the guy in the movie Scanners just before his head explodes. (Clean up on register 13....and 14....and 12....and 15...... ) Cashier's thoughts are spinning out of control: 'How am I supposed to put 23 items in only 7 bags? Don't you know this is Wal-Mart? We're only supposed to put one thing in each bag! How am I going to double-bag the paper towels? These things don't fit on the carousel! I'm used to place-spin, place-spin, place-spin. Think, man, think! Jim, I'm a doctor, not a magician! Press the blinking light button. Scream for a manager. Is my shift over yet?'

But finally, inexplicably, a miracle happens, and somehow Cashier, seemingly in defiance of all that is Wal-Mart, is able to overcome his own laws of motion and has stored every item snuggly in the reusable containers. Thank...you...Jesus!

I take that back because now......it's CHECK TIME!

Did Customer get checky ready while Cashier was deciding whether to bag the Depends with the prunes or with the ice cream (50 cents off coupon)?

Nnnnnnnnnn-no.

Customer hasn't gotten her checkbook out of her purse because, from my perspective, Customer is expecting the following exchange with Cashier:

Cashier: All right, ma'am your total is......FREE! No need to get that checkbook out and do all that nonsense. No siree, because as you have correctly anticipated, there is no cost to you today. Your money is no good here. Thank God you didn't get your wallet out because you might have wasted an entire check. And I can see by your reaction that this happens to you all the time!

Customer: Can I have my coupons back?

But, as you might have guessed, Customer's total was not FREE, so we have to endure the final step of this brief encounter in big-box hell: the writing of the check.

When Customer finally does find the check, she writes it as if it were the final draft of the Magna Carta, for God's sakes. Slowly and carefully and slowly and slower, making sure she gets the words and numbers in just the right places so that beady-eyed Cashier cannot change $59.47 to $5,000,059.47. Then Customer tears out the check as if the perforation had been doused in nitroglycerin. After Cashier does whatever a cashier does with a check- sticks it in that little slot and it gets kicked out like a bad dollar bill at a car wash- Customer has to sign name on the little pad. This little detail, of course, verifys that the check is good, and just in case it bounces, Wal-Mart has the right to come to Customer's house and reposess her Hoveround and all her Andy Williams albums (yes, including Moon River). Of course, she tries to sign it with a ball-point pen- but I really didn't have to point that out, did I?

Cashier, using his best customer-is-always-right voice says: "Nope. Gotta use pen on the pad." Customer, shockingly, has no idea what Cashier is talking about. This is where I make my presence known. "Ma'am, it's right there," I say as I point at the pen. Customer thanks me profusely- wait, no she doesn't. Customer just says, looking at me as if this is somehow all MY fault: "I'll never get used to these fancy electronic things."

To which I say: "That's OK with me because while the freshness dates have expired on ALL my purchases, I've beenable to memorize every deatail on your face so I'll know never to get behind you again!"

Now I know why Newton is considered brilliant: he shopped at Safeway.

Apple readies for release of iSore

2009-06-08T14:51:00.003-05:00

Roger Terminato, vice-president of marketing for Apple Corporation, pulls a small, unattractive electronic device out of his pocket. It looks like it could be the mutant offspring of an electric razor and an old garage door opener."Ugly little guy, isn't he?" he says with a wry smile.

Thus, the newest member of Apple's personal mobile digital devices (pmdd) is born: the iSore.

What exactly is it?

"Well," explains Terminato, "there's the iBook, which takes care of portable computing needs. Then there's the iPod, so your music needs are met. And, of course, the iPhone, the do-everything cell phone. With those three devices, pretty much all your mobile data needs are met. But we knew the day would come when we ran out of useful things to make. But of course, being Apple, we know there's always a market for something new, even it if doesn't do anything. There's your iSore."

He's correct when he says it doesn't do anything. Although it looks like it could be a cell phone, it isn't. The number 7, and the letters f, m, and t are missing. The remainder of the digits and letters are randomly in disarray. The screen's minuscule size (2cm by 2.5cm) makes it almost impossible to see any image. But with the default wallpaper being a nude picture of Michael Moore, it's just as well.

Will people actually pay for something that doesn't do anything?

"Obviously, you don't understand today's pmdd consumer," says Terminato with a chuckle. "We did extensive focus group research and the response was overwhelming. And not just with losers who live in their mothers' basements."

"Sweet," exclaims Justin Holtzenberger, 29, who lives in his mother's basement. "Dude, sometimes I just want to shut out the outside world, ya know? And how can you do that with your iPod or iPhone, man? It's also great that I don't have to be inconvenienced into shutting it off when I go to the movies."

"I'll be one of the first in line to get one," says Hope Esparanza, a psychology student at NYU, who was a focus group participant and is an uptalker. "Like, sometimes I just don't want to do anything and stuff, and I know my iSore will be there for me. Or all my faves will be talking to someone else, and the iSore will give me nothing to do when there's nothing to do."

Joy Gedruckt, a high school senior from Newark, New Jersey sees a therapeutic application. "I'm in a twitter addiction group- bitchy step-mom thank you very much, and the iSore gives me the chance to tweet without actually tweeting. That counts, doesn't it?"

Terminato also sees the market potential outside the young and impressionable lemmings who usually buy Apple products. "There's a huge population of baby-boomers who still are, and never will be comfortable with a pmdd. The iSore gives them the chance to carry one without actually having to learn to use one."

What do the critics think?

"Wow!"cries Consumer Reports' Barry Inhumer. "Our crack team of new product testers spent an entire day with the iSore, and we couldn't get it to do a damn thing. Once again, Apple delivers as promised."

Terminato snaps his iSore shut and heaves a reflective sigh, "Seriously, some people will buy anything if you slap an Apple label on it."

Tragedy mars sleepwalker's outing

2009-06-04T14:57:00.002-05:00

Rapid City, SD- Three members of an extreme sleepwalker's club plunged to their deaths in a bungee jumping accident yesterday in a remote area of the Black Hills of South Dakota. The men, who were identified as Benjamin Saperstein, Woodrow P. Thornburgh IV, and Oswald Kier, all of New York City, died because their cords had not been secured to the bridge from which they leaped. All were members of the Goldman Sachs eXsoms Club and were on an organized bungee outing. The bodies were discovered at the bottom of Sorenson Gorge by their camping companions after they awoke and noticed that the three had not returned to the campsite.

"I can't help feel a sense of responsibility," said William LaFontaine, who was with the men at the time of the accident. "Bruce (Fernandez, a fellow eXsom) and I were supposed to make sure the cords were properly attached to the bridge. But sometimes it's hard to remember to do things when you are asleep. But still, that's no excuse."

Extreme sleepwalking, popularly known as eXsom, is a rapidly growing phenomenon since the collapse of the housing and financial markets and the subsequent world-wide recession. All nine men in the group are unemployed financial advisers who lost their jobs at Goldman Sachs when it collapsed in September of 2008.

This marks the third eXsom incident in the last year that has resulted in death, the second in the United States. Nearly three months ago all 12 members of a Chicago-based eXsom club drowned in Lake Michigan during a triathlon competition. Extreme sleepwalking hit the international spotlight when five Italian eXsoms were gored to death at the last Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

Dr. Geraldina Weaver-Zetterberg, a somnamtologist with the Pacific Sleep Disorder Institute in San Diego, is considered the leading expert in extreme sleepwalking research. "We have a deep, fundamental understanding that somnambulism is rooted in anxiety. And clearly, these men, and women, to an extent, suffer from profound anxiety as a result of their career and economic predicament. But these are not your garden variety sleepwalkers. They're used to a life in the fast lane, and their stress level has spiked because they find themselves out of work. Thus, risky behavior it a typical outlet for the eXsoms. And it is quite healthy, unless of course, it kills you."

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of Benji, Woody, and Ozzy. I knew all three," said Lars Feingold, president of the International eXsom Organization. "But their untimely demise won't change what we do. It's part of the self-discovery metamorphosis we've all experienced."

Dr. Weaver-Zetterberg agrees. "These guys aren't your walk-downstairs-and-piss-on-the-area-rug somnambulists. They take sleepwalking to the next level."

Obama delights German rock fans with World War II apology

2009-06-02T17:22:00.002-05:00

President Barack Obama delighted thousands of German rock and roll fans Saturday by apologizing for the United States involvement in World War II. Obama's words came in a speech at the concert venue Liederhalle in Stuttgart, where Obama was the opening act in the rock band Scorpions reunion tour (with special guest: Autobahn) stop in that German city.

The president's appearance was the second leg of his European Apology Tour, but his first time as an opening act for a classic rock group. The previous night he begged the French Parliament for forgiveness for the movies French Connection, French Connection II, and Moulin Rouge (2001).

Obama, clad in black jeans, leather jacket and a Scorpions tour t-shirt, spoke in front of thousands of screaming music fans waiting to hear Germany's most beloved rockers. "I come before you to say 'my bad' for the escalation of the war in Europe by the United States of America during World War II. We were responsible for the rape and pillaging of your majestic cities and tranquil country sides and I stand before you tonight asking for your forgiveness."

Although he didn't always get his facts straight, his message was clear. "If Mick Jagger were still alive he would have said we didn't give peace a chance."

Obama spoke for about 15 minutes, sticking to the anti-war theme. "World War II is proof that violence never solved anything. You know, Blank Sabbath (sic) did a song called "War Pigs." Even though I never understood a single word in that song, Ozzy's message is crystal clear. We had no business meddling in your affairs."

The president brought down the house when he made his only Scorpions reference. "When Klaus (lead singer Klaus Meine) sings "Wind of Change" tonight, I want you to think of the political wind of change that I am blowing all around the world." The crowd was frenzied and gave Obama a standing ovation in a sea of flickering bic lighters.

The president concluded his remarks with: "Even though we didn't start it, we had no business finishing it. Rock on!"

Scorpions fan Heinz Rottunschtinker welcomed the speech. "I didn't know Barack Obama was U.S. President, I thought it was Irish metal band that broke up in '80's. But ya, ya, awesome, man, awesome. Obama rocked us like a hurricane!"

Former French President Jacques Chirac was in attendance while his cat was in a Stuttgart veterninary clinic being treated for attention deficit hyperactive disorder. "I was never a big Scorpions fan, I much preferred Men Without Hats, but Obama brought down the house."

The president's tour continues with a stop in Lisbon where Obama will deliver a formal apology to the Portuguese Parliament for the United States stunning 3-2 win over Portugal in the 2002 World Cup.